honesty

i haven't been honest with you.
i haven't been honest with myself.
i have been unhappy for most of the last 13 months with a few exceptions.

the above photo is me, at 12:10am on october 16 2008. this miserable, negative, lethargic, pathetic person is not me. it's just a tired version of me seemingly incapable of taking care of herself.

the recent entries about me being positive and being committed to making changes in my life, haven't been honest.
they have, for the most part, been attempts to regain some happiness that i haven't been able to find. they have been attempts at sharing my feelings in hopes that that would help me to feel better.
but i've realised in the last couple of days that i can't will myself to be happy, i have to make some serious changes to get back to feeling it without effort.

i have been happy recently, but in short bursts. anytime i was with my friend kevin i was happy - even shopping for socks at walmart with him on the day he left, i was happy.

i was happy when i was with the gorgeous puppy pictured below. something about a baby animal is so pure and innocent and wonderful. the smile in this photo is very real and i am hopeful that i will be able to find an outlet for all of the negativity inside me in the next few days so that i can start to get back to being me again.