What is it about nice, intelligent, good-natured people in their mid to late twenties feeling like shit? Why can't the beautiful, warm, kind, generous people in their mid to late twenties seem to catch a break these days? Yes, I'm talking about me and my lack of any sort of good luck recently, but I'm also talking about more than a handful of my friends. We are all seemingly stuck at a point in our lives where nothing is going on. Actually, that is not true. Allow me to rephrase: nothing good is going on. I admit, I can be a bit dramatic at times, but I think it's fair to say that my life is in a bit of a state at the moment and (thankfully) I'm not alone.
I have a job. That is a GOOD thing. It pays the bills and allows me to be in Central London without having to live off the street scouring every corner for food and water. I work with some amazing people, but I do not enjoy what I do. I am not proud of the work that I do everyday nor am I happy to share the details of my day to day job with acquaintances who have far more challenging and mentally stimulating jobs on their hands. I am tired of forcing a smile on days when I just can't be bothered, and I am tired of saying the same four sentences over and over and over and over and over... you get the idea. I know I shouldn't really complain, because so many people have worse jobs than mine and so many more people don't have jobs at all. But, this is my blog and I can do and say whatever I want. And what I want to say is that my job leaves me feeling drained at the end of every day. Not because I've done so much work that I'm exhausted, not because it's so stressful that my mind can't handle it, but because I don't have to actually use my brain very much to do the things that are required of me and whilst doing these things I have to smile and be polite. Even when I have visitors being very rude to me and insulting me or questioning why I am working where I'm working, I have to be friendly and courteous and it's exhausting.
Now, my job isn't the only thing getting me down but I would say it is the root of all the evils in my life right now. I have friends in and around London that I would like to see more often than I do, and when they aren't free to hang out or when they don't return my messages for days or even weeks at a time, I don't know how to handle things. Normal, happy, energetic Renee knows how to handle these sorts of things, but grumpy, exhausted, confused and unhappy Renee does not. So I find myself getting very emotional and feeling very much alone. Drama queen much?
There is a boy that I like and I want to be with but we've both agreed the timing isn't quite right for us to start something up. I won't go into detail about this part of my life, because some things I like to hold a bit closer to my heart, but I will say that the decision we've made to wait until things are a bit more stable for both of us is the right one. I do not want to be with him the way things are for either of us at the moment, but wanting to be with him eventually makes it hard to not be with him now... if that makes any sense. Anyway, the point of sharing this bit of information is to illustrate how the crazy, crap job has worn me down to such a small and sometimes weak version of myself that even though I know that me and this boy are doing the right thing right now and that we'll be happier for it down the road, I sometimes freak out unnecessarily over things that needn't upset me so much. Things that I should be able to deal with, things I should be able to ignore, things that I should be able to see for what they are and not blow things out of proportion because I'm tired and cranky from spending another long day without friends returning the messages I left them about people being rude to me at work.
I think the bottom line is that I am feeling very overwhelmed by the stress I am putting on myself to find a new job. I am constantly looking for jobs to apply for, constantly sending in applications to no avail, and constantly forcing myself to grin and bear it at work when all I really want to do is quit. I am letting myself get carried away with the little things and I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the bigger, lovelier things in my life, like the fact that I live in a city where I can see or do virtually anything at any given moment. I'm getting myself worked up over things that are out of my control. I'm not allowing myself to relax when I need to. I'm not focusing on the things in my life that I can improve and change for the better. I don't know where I'm going from here, but I think getting some of this out here will help. And if it doesn't, at least I've spent the past ten minutes self-reflecting and I do believe that helps.
That is all for today.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
some photos...
and the songs (those that i remember) in no particular order:
no line on the horizon
magnificent
i know i'll go crazy if i don't go crazy tonight
get on your boots
unknown caller
moment of surrender
ultra violet (light my way)
one
mysterious ways
vertigo
city of blinding lights
beautiful day
walk on
where the streets have no name
i still haven't found what i'm looking for
with or without you
pride (in the name of love)
sunday bloody sunday
angel of harlem
Thursday, 6 August 2009
dubbbbbbbbbbbbblin
"Did you know that Dublin is the world's largest city?"
- "Really?"
"Yeah. It's just keeps dublin' and dublin' and dublin'"
I woke up at 4am, caught a taxi to the train station at 5am and was caught in the middle of a rowdy crowd of Ryanair passangers desperately trying to check-in before catching their budget flights by 6am. Through all of this, I kept thinking, "Is this really worth it?"
Having arrived at the airport two hours before my flight the chaos of the Ryanair check-in area didn't affect my flight, but my mood was slightly elevated by the grumpy unorganised Brits trying to get to a 6:30am flight by arriving at 6... tsk, tsk.
The flight was a breeze, I slept the entire 55 minutes length of it and woke up as we flew over Ireland's coast. When going through customs and asked the purpose of my visit I responded "I'm going to the U2 concert" to which the kind customs officer replied "Oh, another one. Enjoy the show" and sent me on my way. I was beginning to get the feeling this early start was going to be well worth it. I wasn't wrong.
The city was FULL of U2 fans. Everywhere I went shops and restaurants and pubs were playing U2's music. People were smiling and sporting their favourite U2 shirt. Far too many men were trying to pull off "Bono" style sunglasses and too many middle aged women were dolled up to the nines in hopes of wooing him, no doubt.
I met my friend American Evan and his Northern Irish friend Shelly at Trinity College where we dropped off my bag before wandering around the city. We walked all day before making the trek to Croke Park. If you've ever been to Dublin you know that the city isn't too big, but it's big enough to wear yourself out in an afternoon of walking. But we marched on and arrived at the stadium about 90 minutes before showtime... and as a result, we managed to secure spots just about twenty feet from the 'catwalk' section of the stage.
The opening bands were OK, Kaiser Chiefs putting on a VERY entertaining show, but everyone was very, very ready for U2 by the time they took the stage just after 8:30pm. Now, I wasn't too fond of their latest album (although a few of the tracks did remind me of their early 90's stuff) but as soon as the title track started up and the roar of the crowd nearly blew me away, I was impressed. They opened with four tracks from the new album and the energy only got more intense as they broke out some of the old favourites. (I can't remember the entire track list, but I will do my best later today to re-cap what I can remember).
I have to go to work now, so I will leave you all hanging here... but promise that the next installment will include at least one photo.
- "Really?"
"Yeah. It's just keeps dublin' and dublin' and dublin'"
I woke up at 4am, caught a taxi to the train station at 5am and was caught in the middle of a rowdy crowd of Ryanair passangers desperately trying to check-in before catching their budget flights by 6am. Through all of this, I kept thinking, "Is this really worth it?"
Having arrived at the airport two hours before my flight the chaos of the Ryanair check-in area didn't affect my flight, but my mood was slightly elevated by the grumpy unorganised Brits trying to get to a 6:30am flight by arriving at 6... tsk, tsk.
The flight was a breeze, I slept the entire 55 minutes length of it and woke up as we flew over Ireland's coast. When going through customs and asked the purpose of my visit I responded "I'm going to the U2 concert" to which the kind customs officer replied "Oh, another one. Enjoy the show" and sent me on my way. I was beginning to get the feeling this early start was going to be well worth it. I wasn't wrong.
The city was FULL of U2 fans. Everywhere I went shops and restaurants and pubs were playing U2's music. People were smiling and sporting their favourite U2 shirt. Far too many men were trying to pull off "Bono" style sunglasses and too many middle aged women were dolled up to the nines in hopes of wooing him, no doubt.
I met my friend American Evan and his Northern Irish friend Shelly at Trinity College where we dropped off my bag before wandering around the city. We walked all day before making the trek to Croke Park. If you've ever been to Dublin you know that the city isn't too big, but it's big enough to wear yourself out in an afternoon of walking. But we marched on and arrived at the stadium about 90 minutes before showtime... and as a result, we managed to secure spots just about twenty feet from the 'catwalk' section of the stage.
The opening bands were OK, Kaiser Chiefs putting on a VERY entertaining show, but everyone was very, very ready for U2 by the time they took the stage just after 8:30pm. Now, I wasn't too fond of their latest album (although a few of the tracks did remind me of their early 90's stuff) but as soon as the title track started up and the roar of the crowd nearly blew me away, I was impressed. They opened with four tracks from the new album and the energy only got more intense as they broke out some of the old favourites. (I can't remember the entire track list, but I will do my best later today to re-cap what I can remember).
I have to go to work now, so I will leave you all hanging here... but promise that the next installment will include at least one photo.
Sunday, 2 August 2009
things i like
With nothing of much importance to share (I will share the details of my fantastic U2 weekend soon enough) I thought I'd share a few of my favourite things.
I like thunderstorms.
I like green grapes.
I like being barefoot.
I like laughing so hard that I cry.
I like striped clothing.
I like singing loudly while I bake cookies.
I like painting my fingernails.
I like riding on the top of double decker buses.
I like driving.
I like being inside a tent.
I like watching films on a big screen.
I like thunderstorms.
I like green grapes.
I like being barefoot.
I like laughing so hard that I cry.
I like striped clothing.
I like singing loudly while I bake cookies.
I like painting my fingernails.
I like riding on the top of double decker buses.
I like driving.
I like being inside a tent.
I like watching films on a big screen.
Saturday, 18 July 2009
ten days later
Not too bad at making good on my promise that I am back to blogging. Ten days isn't too long, right? I was reading over my last post and realise I should've said "I'm not unhappy" where I said "I am happy", because there isn't anything to really prove that I am happy these days... but like I said, I'm not unhappy either. I'm just feeling a bit blah.
We all get that though, don't we? The blahs. They hit us when we least expect it and if others are like me we pretend that nothing is wrong until one teeny tiny little thing hits us at the exact wrong moment and our world comes crashing down and we are forced to admit that maybe the toilet overflowing onto our bare feet isn't what is really upsetting us.
I am, in truth, feeling letdown by my job and feel that the expectations I had when I started are not being met. Not even close. So on Monday my good friend Andy and I are going to see what we can do to make the best of the worst job either of us has had in a long time. Okay, okay, I'm being a BIT over the top. It's not THAT terrible, but we've just been hit with one disappointment after another since we started, so while the job itself isn't so bad, the letdowns and illusions of grandeur never to be seen are upsetting.
I am going to spend tomorrow afternoon with my lovely friend Sarah having lunch and taking a peak around the shops up in her neck of the woods. I'm really, really looking forward to tomorrow. A lot!
Next weekend I'm flying to Dublin for a U2 concert with my friend Evan - who is flying from New York state for three concerts... a true fan if I ever met one. I will report back about that now that I'm back to reporting back about things.
In other news, a girl that I went to junior high and high school with has recently had her first book published. Lauren Kirshner is the talented and witty author behind "Where We Have To Go" and I highly recommend it. Especially if you live in Toronto, especially if you grew up there, and especially if you are a woman who enjoyed the start of your adolescence around 1993. My heartfelt congratulations to Lauren for this first success - I have a feeling it's only going to get better from here!
We all get that though, don't we? The blahs. They hit us when we least expect it and if others are like me we pretend that nothing is wrong until one teeny tiny little thing hits us at the exact wrong moment and our world comes crashing down and we are forced to admit that maybe the toilet overflowing onto our bare feet isn't what is really upsetting us.
I am, in truth, feeling letdown by my job and feel that the expectations I had when I started are not being met. Not even close. So on Monday my good friend Andy and I are going to see what we can do to make the best of the worst job either of us has had in a long time. Okay, okay, I'm being a BIT over the top. It's not THAT terrible, but we've just been hit with one disappointment after another since we started, so while the job itself isn't so bad, the letdowns and illusions of grandeur never to be seen are upsetting.
I am going to spend tomorrow afternoon with my lovely friend Sarah having lunch and taking a peak around the shops up in her neck of the woods. I'm really, really looking forward to tomorrow. A lot!
Next weekend I'm flying to Dublin for a U2 concert with my friend Evan - who is flying from New York state for three concerts... a true fan if I ever met one. I will report back about that now that I'm back to reporting back about things.
In other news, a girl that I went to junior high and high school with has recently had her first book published. Lauren Kirshner is the talented and witty author behind "Where We Have To Go" and I highly recommend it. Especially if you live in Toronto, especially if you grew up there, and especially if you are a woman who enjoyed the start of your adolescence around 1993. My heartfelt congratulations to Lauren for this first success - I have a feeling it's only going to get better from here!
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
i'm back
Note to my (loyal) readers: I am willing to overlook the significant gap in entries if you are… I think I am ready to say that I am back to regular blogging. Fingers crossed. In 5…4….3….2…1!
I am working as a Visitor Assistant at a VERY well known location in London. I deal with people from around the globe on a daily basis. I converse in English and French and somehow manage to communicate to native Italian, Spanish, German, Russian, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Greek, etc. speakers all the time without any knowledge of these languages whatsoever (save a few choice words in the first few languages, and “Monday” in Japanese – get in!) I stand for nearly eight hours a day and while I have gotten used to the sore feat and tense shoulders that come from slightly less-than-perfect posture, I do enjoy the moments I get throughout the day to sit down.
I am living in North London with two lovely girls. One is from the wilds of Bristol and the other from the very ordinary corner of West Africa. We get along very nicely and have a laugh together as often as possible. Though, I think it’s fair to say we ALL love having the house to ourselves when that does happen.
I am single at the moment, though there is a certain someone I’ve had my eye on for quite some time now and I think I would like to see where that might go… we’ll see.
I am happy. Despite my mother’s near constant concern that I am lonely, depressed, scared, homesick, etc. I am enjoying the independence and freedom of living so far from the ordinary and familiar surroundings of home. Yes, I miss my family and my friends and my hometown, but I am still happy here. Admittedly I have moments of wishing I was there instead of here. Moments wondering what on earth I’m doing on this side of the world in a job that doesn’t challenge me (no, communicating with non-English speakers is NOT challenging enough thankyouverymuch!). Moments when I would like to have the luxury of a big enough bank account to pop home for a visit more often. But those moments don’t add up to the same total number of moments of good that I’m experiencing here.
I love the rain, but I also love the way London looks in blazing hot sunshine. I hate riding the tube, but I love the Victoria line. I hate tourists, but I love tourists. I hate when strangers assume I am American (and don’t seem to understand what Canadian is), but I love meeting “fellow Americans”. I hate my job, but I love the buildings I work in and so many of the people I interact with on a daily basis. I hate living outside of Canada, but I love being part of the minority.
More to come soon… I hope.
I am working as a Visitor Assistant at a VERY well known location in London. I deal with people from around the globe on a daily basis. I converse in English and French and somehow manage to communicate to native Italian, Spanish, German, Russian, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Greek, etc. speakers all the time without any knowledge of these languages whatsoever (save a few choice words in the first few languages, and “Monday” in Japanese – get in!) I stand for nearly eight hours a day and while I have gotten used to the sore feat and tense shoulders that come from slightly less-than-perfect posture, I do enjoy the moments I get throughout the day to sit down.
I am living in North London with two lovely girls. One is from the wilds of Bristol and the other from the very ordinary corner of West Africa. We get along very nicely and have a laugh together as often as possible. Though, I think it’s fair to say we ALL love having the house to ourselves when that does happen.
I am single at the moment, though there is a certain someone I’ve had my eye on for quite some time now and I think I would like to see where that might go… we’ll see.
I am happy. Despite my mother’s near constant concern that I am lonely, depressed, scared, homesick, etc. I am enjoying the independence and freedom of living so far from the ordinary and familiar surroundings of home. Yes, I miss my family and my friends and my hometown, but I am still happy here. Admittedly I have moments of wishing I was there instead of here. Moments wondering what on earth I’m doing on this side of the world in a job that doesn’t challenge me (no, communicating with non-English speakers is NOT challenging enough thankyouverymuch!). Moments when I would like to have the luxury of a big enough bank account to pop home for a visit more often. But those moments don’t add up to the same total number of moments of good that I’m experiencing here.
I love the rain, but I also love the way London looks in blazing hot sunshine. I hate riding the tube, but I love the Victoria line. I hate tourists, but I love tourists. I hate when strangers assume I am American (and don’t seem to understand what Canadian is), but I love meeting “fellow Americans”. I hate my job, but I love the buildings I work in and so many of the people I interact with on a daily basis. I hate living outside of Canada, but I love being part of the minority.
More to come soon… I hope.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
J'ai 27 ans
Having recently celebrated my 27th birthday, I thought I would take a moment to share with you 27 things that have made me smile in the five months since I left Toronto. (I know it's been ages since I've posted regular updates on here, but I like my lists, so bear with me for a little while longer while I update you on my new life in the UK thus far with points of interest.)
1. Watching an entire country come to a standstill over 2 inches of snow.
2. Listening to Oasis over dinner at a restaurant in Manchester.
3. Having a friend's cat watch my every move whilst getting ready to leave their flat around midday. Poor Finn wasn't used to having so much company in the day, what with Jen and Jack at work from the early morning to the early evening, so she was very interested to see what I was up to in her home.
4. Watching Lee Evans on TV with Mark, and laughing so much it hurt.
5. Fighting against the wind on Brighton's seafront... nothing makes me smile quite as much as the many happy memories that the wind in Brighton brings me.
6. Going to dinner with Sarah - no matter where we end up we are always seated next to individuals who combined would easily make up the world's strangest people.
7. Walking to work on my birthday while the sun slowly emerged from behind a very scary looking cloud.
8. Going to the cinema at Leicester Square by myself on a Saturday night. I really am a fantastic date.
9. Being told by some of my lovely male friends that I looked gorgeous on my birthday.
10. Watching my colleague Joel gawk at attractive women as they pass us by outside of Parliament.
11. Going swimming.
12. Each and every time I get a piece of mail I smile.
13. Laying in bed listening to the latest Kings of Leon CD on my iPod for the first time in absolute darkness.
14. Being called "love" and "my dear" on a regular basis by friends and shopkeepers.
15. Walking past Buckingham Palace on the way to work.
16. Listening to the rain fall on skylight windows while cuddled up under a warm duvet.
17. Playing Deal or No Deal with Ru on the night before his birthday.
18. Receiving a phone call from Kevin nearly once a week.
19. Knowing that I am going home to Toronto for a visit very soon.
20. Climbing into my bed at night to feel the cool, smooth fitted sheet I bought from IKEA
21. Having Allison nearby, especially on the days when we both really need a good friend.
22. RIO - the carbonated beverage that I often associate with a very memorable weekend in Brighton and the very good friend who introduced me to it.
23. Riding on a nearly empty double decker bus, in the front seat upstairs.
24. Treating myself to expensive luxuries from time to time - for example the hand cream I bought myself at Rituals over a month ago... still makes me smile each time I use it.
25. Being asked directions and knowing the answer.
26. Walking aimlessly around The City on a weekend when it is nearly deserted of all cars and pedestrians.
27. Finding a good deal on a coach or train ticket to a new part of the country.
1. Watching an entire country come to a standstill over 2 inches of snow.
2. Listening to Oasis over dinner at a restaurant in Manchester.
3. Having a friend's cat watch my every move whilst getting ready to leave their flat around midday. Poor Finn wasn't used to having so much company in the day, what with Jen and Jack at work from the early morning to the early evening, so she was very interested to see what I was up to in her home.
4. Watching Lee Evans on TV with Mark, and laughing so much it hurt.
5. Fighting against the wind on Brighton's seafront... nothing makes me smile quite as much as the many happy memories that the wind in Brighton brings me.
6. Going to dinner with Sarah - no matter where we end up we are always seated next to individuals who combined would easily make up the world's strangest people.
7. Walking to work on my birthday while the sun slowly emerged from behind a very scary looking cloud.
8. Going to the cinema at Leicester Square by myself on a Saturday night. I really am a fantastic date.
9. Being told by some of my lovely male friends that I looked gorgeous on my birthday.
10. Watching my colleague Joel gawk at attractive women as they pass us by outside of Parliament.
11. Going swimming.
12. Each and every time I get a piece of mail I smile.
13. Laying in bed listening to the latest Kings of Leon CD on my iPod for the first time in absolute darkness.
14. Being called "love" and "my dear" on a regular basis by friends and shopkeepers.
15. Walking past Buckingham Palace on the way to work.
16. Listening to the rain fall on skylight windows while cuddled up under a warm duvet.
17. Playing Deal or No Deal with Ru on the night before his birthday.
18. Receiving a phone call from Kevin nearly once a week.
19. Knowing that I am going home to Toronto for a visit very soon.
20. Climbing into my bed at night to feel the cool, smooth fitted sheet I bought from IKEA
21. Having Allison nearby, especially on the days when we both really need a good friend.
22. RIO - the carbonated beverage that I often associate with a very memorable weekend in Brighton and the very good friend who introduced me to it.
23. Riding on a nearly empty double decker bus, in the front seat upstairs.
24. Treating myself to expensive luxuries from time to time - for example the hand cream I bought myself at Rituals over a month ago... still makes me smile each time I use it.
25. Being asked directions and knowing the answer.
26. Walking aimlessly around The City on a weekend when it is nearly deserted of all cars and pedestrians.
27. Finding a good deal on a coach or train ticket to a new part of the country.
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