What is it about nice, intelligent, good-natured people in their mid to late twenties feeling like shit? Why can't the beautiful, warm, kind, generous people in their mid to late twenties seem to catch a break these days? Yes, I'm talking about me and my lack of any sort of good luck recently, but I'm also talking about more than a handful of my friends. We are all seemingly stuck at a point in our lives where nothing is going on. Actually, that is not true. Allow me to rephrase: nothing good is going on. I admit, I can be a bit dramatic at times, but I think it's fair to say that my life is in a bit of a state at the moment and (thankfully) I'm not alone.
I have a job. That is a GOOD thing. It pays the bills and allows me to be in Central London without having to live off the street scouring every corner for food and water. I work with some amazing people, but I do not enjoy what I do. I am not proud of the work that I do everyday nor am I happy to share the details of my day to day job with acquaintances who have far more challenging and mentally stimulating jobs on their hands. I am tired of forcing a smile on days when I just can't be bothered, and I am tired of saying the same four sentences over and over and over and over and over... you get the idea. I know I shouldn't really complain, because so many people have worse jobs than mine and so many more people don't have jobs at all. But, this is my blog and I can do and say whatever I want. And what I want to say is that my job leaves me feeling drained at the end of every day. Not because I've done so much work that I'm exhausted, not because it's so stressful that my mind can't handle it, but because I don't have to actually use my brain very much to do the things that are required of me and whilst doing these things I have to smile and be polite. Even when I have visitors being very rude to me and insulting me or questioning why I am working where I'm working, I have to be friendly and courteous and it's exhausting.
Now, my job isn't the only thing getting me down but I would say it is the root of all the evils in my life right now. I have friends in and around London that I would like to see more often than I do, and when they aren't free to hang out or when they don't return my messages for days or even weeks at a time, I don't know how to handle things. Normal, happy, energetic Renee knows how to handle these sorts of things, but grumpy, exhausted, confused and unhappy Renee does not. So I find myself getting very emotional and feeling very much alone. Drama queen much?
There is a boy that I like and I want to be with but we've both agreed the timing isn't quite right for us to start something up. I won't go into detail about this part of my life, because some things I like to hold a bit closer to my heart, but I will say that the decision we've made to wait until things are a bit more stable for both of us is the right one. I do not want to be with him the way things are for either of us at the moment, but wanting to be with him eventually makes it hard to not be with him now... if that makes any sense. Anyway, the point of sharing this bit of information is to illustrate how the crazy, crap job has worn me down to such a small and sometimes weak version of myself that even though I know that me and this boy are doing the right thing right now and that we'll be happier for it down the road, I sometimes freak out unnecessarily over things that needn't upset me so much. Things that I should be able to deal with, things I should be able to ignore, things that I should be able to see for what they are and not blow things out of proportion because I'm tired and cranky from spending another long day without friends returning the messages I left them about people being rude to me at work.
I think the bottom line is that I am feeling very overwhelmed by the stress I am putting on myself to find a new job. I am constantly looking for jobs to apply for, constantly sending in applications to no avail, and constantly forcing myself to grin and bear it at work when all I really want to do is quit. I am letting myself get carried away with the little things and I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the bigger, lovelier things in my life, like the fact that I live in a city where I can see or do virtually anything at any given moment. I'm getting myself worked up over things that are out of my control. I'm not allowing myself to relax when I need to. I'm not focusing on the things in my life that I can improve and change for the better. I don't know where I'm going from here, but I think getting some of this out here will help. And if it doesn't, at least I've spent the past ten minutes self-reflecting and I do believe that helps.
That is all for today.
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2 comments:
Hey Renee,
I hear you. I've spent the last 10 years learning that if you want to change your circumstances, you can't do it by changing the outside. It is the inner world that needs a bit of housecleaning. Sit down. Have a cup of tea and breathe. Reread your blog entry and try to imagine if all the hard stuff like job ,social life and potential boyfriend were going really well. What swould it feel like? Indulge in that. Play a song that really picks you up and imagine what your life would feel like if everything would be engaging and romantic? Life is feeling. we lose that when we get lost in the outer details. it saps our inner passion and energy. By visioning the best possible scenario instead of the "worst case scenario", the Universe has some material to work with. Try to do this for yourself every day. I guarantee, that you will notice quite amazing things happen. I feel for you. as Anya has recently said: the breakdowns are actually breakthroughs. Sendinging you lots of luvin' from across the big ocean.
Ganga
Aw, I was sad to read this, Renee. I like what the person above me wrote, and additionally, make sure you are exercising your mind and your body a lot. I know work isn't challenging, but try to do something that will stimulate your mind every night - reading, writing, research, puzzles, etc. Go for long walks. If you feel like getting away and you can afford it, you are always welcome to come stay with me in Atlanta. Always. The autumn is beautiful here. And I'd love to see you. xox
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